You heard it here first! Unless I’m wrong. Then you heard it from FOX news.

NI HAO, BISHES! The Lunar New Year is here, so stick your hands out and get ready to receive red envelopes and bold predictions from yours truly. Here are my predictions for 2012.

• There will be a new iPad 3 coming out, with slightly faster processor; 1mm screen size increase; and an awesome new color, Slightly Off-White!
• Facebook will unveil another new layout change called “MyFaceBook.” Millions will complain about the changes but will eventually forget about it two weeks later.
• The Minidisc format will finally take off.
• This makes a comeback:

• The Chicago Cubs will finally make it to past the first round of the playoffs.
• SOPA and PIPA bills are thrown out. New bill introduced called “Protect Our Children From All Predators” POCFAP eventually passes due to overbearing suburban mother support.

• Explicit video of Kim Kardashian shows up again. Nobody is surprised.
• Disco will make a comeback, mostly from a huge hipster revival of throwbacks being hip.
• In-N-Out finally branches off to the east coast. New locations are mobbed by hipsters. This is why we can’t have nice things.

In-N-Out goes the outsourcing route. Cat never tasted so good; putting the real meaning behind “Animal style”

• Gas prices will soar above $5, prompting lazy Americans to finally start walking or riding bikes more. Nike will see a huge stock price jump. Millions of underage Chinese sweatshop workers rejoice with more jobs.
• This being the year of the dragon, the world will end by an onslaught of 12 mighty, flying, fire-breathing dragons.

Cheers to our eventual, fiery deaths!

• Al Gore will make a surprise running for president.
• So will Donald Trump.
• Star Wars will come out in fifteen various BLURAY versions, including a “Classic 2D” version.
• Nintendo will make a shocking change of direction, after another huge financial loss, and decide to focus on remaking all their past successful games into 3D. Disney soon follows.

• The United States decides to secede from Florida and Texas. National IQ average skyrockets.
• Batman: The Dark Knight Rises becomes the #1 movie of the year. If you stay past the credits, there’s a Heath Ledger easter egg where he jumps out and exclaims, “YOU GUYS JUST GOT PUNK’D!” Shows up in Brokeback Mountain 2.
• Asian languages become an option at many high schools. Asian kids won’t have just their math homework to be copied from anymore.

What are your predictions for 2012?

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